Lessons learned in Relationships
June 27, 2018

The quality of our first hand relationships (with parents and/or with the loved ones) are a key to our successful life. If a person achieved a great relationship with his loved ones, they are then ready to succeed in business or anything else they want to do. One cannot persuade someone they met for his idea in business if they cannot persuade, for example for their desire in sex or else, someone who loves them with all their heart.
I cannot help but notice how the relationship blocks reflect in peoples professional lives or professional relationship. The limits and fears we have tapping into sensible matters with our loved ones reflect our limits in achievements.

What is a great relationship? No it isn’t that romantic thing full of gifts and flowers, it isn’t something filled with positive conversations either. It is a constant learning of each other, respect and communication with each other, reflecting on things that feel wrong, discussing reasons of certain actions, discussing goals, supporting each other and most importantly keeping boundaries in maintaining the identity of each other. It is supporting the other in being happy by themselves without needing ones approval for it and letting them choose each other every day – imagine it like meeting for the first time every day and with every wrong action there is a risk of loosing that person.
None of the desires or actions within the relationship are initiated with bad intention – so if one felt offended it is because they did not understand the message so unless they ask what that person meant with their words or actions, they will never find out and perhaps remain with that negative feeling to build up until the volcano erupts.

This is a deep subject which I dedicated one of the TIMS books on that will be published but now I will just want to share with you my lesson:

I was in love!
Year 2009
My girl that I was in love with was coming to see me prison while 8months pregnant with our first child – we got married in church just before I got into prison (full story in my No One’s Business book), just as we got the news that she became pregnant. We did it so our child is born in a god bounded couple.
I value these things much and never forget them. So when I finally got out and reunited with ‘them’, our love just got bigger and bigger as we had our new born son right within few weeks from my release and our reunion.

I was so in love that I couldn’t see any other women around and could not understand why others look at women while married.

One day she asked to have little time without me, to go out and spend time with friends and I surely agreed without any back thought. At time our son was 3 and I was busy building my business.

That night she wasn’t coming home till late and I was waiting for her at balcony of our flat. Just after 2am I heard a car stopped, it was the taxi that she came with.
She got out and with her, the older French guy who we both met and was our friend. They had a longer than comfortable mouth to mouth kiss. It was the longest kiss I ever witnessed and it was scratching my heart in agony with every moment it got longer…

She told that I shouldn’t worry as nothing was going on and it wasn’t serious.
My heart was filled with sadness. It wasn’t the anger and aggression I seen in my father while bitting my mom when I was a child – I learned otherwise and sadness was my best choice.

Now that was a sort of reality check that woke me up from sleep. I realised, how I thought at the time, that my other half, might actually not be MY half, even with the love I still had for her. My head just wouldn’t come to peace and accept that to be part of my life. As I later learned, time is a great teacher when reason and logic aren’t helping.

The next day I was a different person. I bumped in some Russian girls, some short term college tourists that came for summer study while staying in the hotel right at the bottom of our street. It ended up at 4am when I heard a knock in the window while we were snogging with my new mistress on the back seat of my car right beside the flat me and my wife lived in. It was my wife – she pointed out home and walked off.
I said buy to my new girl, arranged the next encounter and followed my wife to the flat. She asked me if we can start all over again and forget what happened within the last 24 hours between us. I felt she realised that she is loosing me. But now I wasn’t the same. Surely I accepted as we had a 3yo son. But our love was never the same again.

Fro then on I was noticing other girls which was new for me. I was also having sex with others, including prostitutes, for experience sake and testing my women skills that I started reading about.

Later only I realised that the reason she then asked to have some time off wasn’t just her fault. More and more I thought that it was my fault as I didn’t give her attention or tried to understand what she wanted or perhaps been too into her like a little child. An effect of taking the relationship for granted and not observing the things that were desired by her so I can prevent what happened.

I also learned that I should have made my mind during the after event life. Since I changed, she was trying and making lots of efforts to get me back to have the same relationship but I was ignorant. I was by myself – kind of looking for the perfect one outside and dragging the confused relationship for years on, lying to myself and her. Although we lived together I wasn’t trying to make it work but I was searching for a way out to something thats better – dragging time within a semi-dead relationship I created.
Ever since, I changed all my approaches to women. I had many more relationships with amazing women who wanted a serious relationship with me but I was never courageous enough to drop what I had – kind of expecting it to fix by itself or for my wife to make an action to fix it (an action that I would see as at the time all her actions to fix it weren’t noticed by me). Every woman I met I found something was missing – good in sex, not intellectual enough, great conversations – boring sex, great overall – difficult circumstances, etc. Nothing was sticking and all felt just half. I almost gave up and took whatever logic told me. I started to believe that love like I had with my ex wife was just an stage in development, kind of a blob of the young age and it cannot happen when you are mature.
It all changed when I met Ana. It made sense for my heart, in sex and the feeling of the same coming from her towards me. I thought it is just a little romance wave as I had many during my separation from my wife. I actually stopped looking for anyone and Ana just came into my life by accident – talking about waiting for the happiness to arrive instead of chasing it 🙂

We are often drawn to change our partners from those we feb in love with into someone who we are comfortable with. By doing that, we are taking away the main essence, reason and unique character of theirs we initially fell in love with.
From that loving, playful and attentive person we often create and obedient introvert locked in a cage of our love. We want to keep them just to ourselves as that beautiful wild bird caged for our pleasure. And the more they love us, the more they become someone who we do not love anymore as it is a completely different person. I like the saying “Give them wings to fly and a reason to come back.” which represents that we need to enjoy their differences and loving our partners for who they are giving them a reason to come back – it is because of common choice we are together. And when we remain independent with our own personality we can have choices to stay if it good or go if it is bad. Bad I mean here an abusive relationship.

Now since I learned the lessons I understand that I am still in development and surely the best thing is that there is more and more to be learned and found within your half every day. The person you are in relationship is an undefended soul who chose to be with you so what is it you put on the table and how do you show that appreciation, how do you want your relationship to be – its in our hands, not in theirs (meaning as a person not as a gender).

I now made peace with my ex and make sure she knows how important she is for me and how much I love her for all the pleasant and less pleasant experiences with her that taught me and made me who I am.

This is life.

I understand that until we learn the lessons, the old situation/the problem/the discomfort will repeat again a and again with every new relationship we start to run away from the old.
It’s within us not within the person we decide to be with. It’s our responsibility to make it work and make it a happy relationship, not theirs. It’s our decision to be happy, waiting for them to make us happy, it’s not not their responsibility. It’s our responsibility to grow, learn, be better, improve, communicate and make the relationship work. The issues that we encounter will come to us in many forms either in busienss, relationship with other people, until we learn them and make them disappear – like when you learn not to be angry when it rains.

Guys tell me that they are not sure about the relationship or about that girl they are with as she doesn’t give him the assurance of being serious about him. Now I learn that the guy is looking and playing with other girls – I say that you are the one who is not sure and see that in her. We need to make our mind and make what we have work. It is like a business that doesn’t meet the expectation, you first try to fix it instead of starting building another business.

Or someone saying that he is not enough as their partner is pointing out personal “flows” in them which actually are the things that makes them special. And they start working on “improving” themselves, lying to themselves while hiding who they actually are provoking the lies in their partners. We are what we see in others and thats a clue to us to start observing. We need to learn to put out who we are and who we are not openly.

A great relationship isn’t one where there is only positive conversations about the good things and just love – it is about communicating, learning about each other, sharing things that makes us feel bad and understand why those are happening, discussing them as both of the parties are doing things with good intention and trying to make it work. So instead of tapping the discussion and sharing what certain words or actions made us feel will just reveal the good intention of the other party and make us understand them better.

Relationships requires constant attention – think og it as your personal growth, in order to be successful you require constant growth in your main areas – it’s the learning, maintaining and improving your body, mind, soul and skill.

Mistakes in relationships take time to heal, especially with those that break trust in each other. If one person broke the trust in the other, it requires fixing – building it back up. It requires time and it cannot be rushed, it requires constant confirmations and proofs until the other person is ready. The fist step in recouping the trust is to communicate accepting the fault and discussing what would have been the cause of it – what value has been infringed. Understanding that is a must, otherwise you just don’t know what needs fixed.

It’s life.

I would like to share two relevant videos with you that will help see the described perspective event better:

Tony Robbins on relationships

Will Smith on happiness in relationships

Hope this was clear and useful – do share your thoughts

Wishing you an amazing life and looking forward to have you in the Uncagex Community!

Big Hug!

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Vadim Turcanu

Award Winning Author - Entrepreneur
Speaker - Business Consultant - Judo and Polo Sportsperson
Explorer - Philanthropist - Blockchain Advocate, Investor
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